I Can't Decide Which Title Is Better, So Here's Both...

1. You Make Me Sick, I Make Music*

or

2. Why Don't You Stand Up For What You Believe In You Fucking Wankers**

Oi you. Yes you, Mr/Ms young "rock" guitarist. I have a complaint. And a few questions. You don't seem to understand what that instrument hanging round yr neck is for. Does the nasty noise it makes when you turn it up fwighten you? Are you totally incapable of passion, of feeling what you play? Do you have a single original idea or sound in that prematurely jaded head of yrs? Can you not, in short, actually fucking Rock?

It's saying something seriously bad about the musical world at the moment that someone like Matt Bellamy can be considered a guitar hero. Fuck right off. He's nothing but a low-rent toss merchant who would like nothing better than to get on his knees and suck Tom Morellos cock until there's more bunting hanging from his chin than you'd see at a clown convention. And let's face it, Mr Morello's no great shakes either, what with his inability to write a single riff that Jimmy Page didn't come up with thirty years earlier. And as for his "experimental" style, come on. If you want to know what effects pedals are actually for go and listen to Helios Creed, or Kevin Shields, or even Hendrix for fucks sake. I would rather listen to 80s Yes than sit through Muse. Soulless wank and a digital multi-effects unit do not a genius make...

I could name you over a hundred great rock guitarists around today, from the wildly famous to the hopelessly obscure, but not one of 'em is under 30. Thank fuck that Metal hasn't been struck by this curse, after weathering the horror of Nu-Metal, there's a shitload of great young guitarslingers out there. But as for Rock'n'Indie etc, what in the name of the fucking horned one is going on? Can anyone name me one guitarist under 30 who can rip it out like Ron Asheton or Lee Stevens or Neil Young or J Mascis? Cos I'll be buggered if I can think of one. My musical partner in crime and I sat in the pub and tried the other day. Could we come up with one? Could we fuck. The closest we could get was Comets On Fire, and they're no spring chickens. I'd love someone to prove me wrong. But I don't think you will.

If you want a hit of good old pure live rock power, who d'you go and see? Let's have a look. Well there's those young whippersnappers The Stooges, the only member of whom is under 50 is only there cos the original bass player's dead. Dinosaur Jr. Mudhoney. The Heads. Comets On Fire. Neil Young. All old enough to be yr dad. Jeff fucking Beck has more rock in his little finger than you lot have got in yr entire bodies. Even Lee Stevens has had to rejoin Blue Cheer after 37, yes thirty seven, years to show you bastards how it's done. Again.

We live in a world where a sub-genre called Emo exists. I have two things to say about this farce:

1. When I hear the word Emo, a picture of comedian Emo Phillips appears in my head.

2. Why does it need to be pointed out that this is music with and concerning emotion? Excuse my ignorance, but what else lies at the essence of honest to goodness Rock? I always thought it was about fire & passion.

Nothing expresses the vast spectrum of emotion better than music. Whether it's intense joy or utter sorrow that's coming through, great music cuts to the quick, bypassing the filters and thought processes that mediate yr experience of other artforms, removing the need for interpretation that most other creative forms demand. You don't need to understand the language, you don't need to have an appreciation of its context or history, you just react.

I haven't fucking finished yet. I'm still writing this, but I'm posting it now because I've already accidently deleted this once, and I'll be fucked if that's gonna happen again...

* This title is/was the name of one of the members of Soundgardens publishing company. It really sums up how I feel about all of the guitar-by-numbers fuckwits that all my proper journalist friends have to endure to find that one pearl in a sea of shit...

** This one is a quote from Rock'n'Roll from the first Whitehouse lp, Birthdeath Experience. Go and listen to it. You'll probably hate it. It's where noise music really began. It's the sound of someone finally losing patience with everyone and everthing. Whitehouse are probably the most malinged and misunderstood group in musical history, mainly because most people don't have the fucking nous to see past the superficially shocking elements of the lyrics and sound to realise the true genius of Whitehouse is to hold a mirror up to all the parts of yr thinking, and especially yr subconcious that you don't want to deal with. Plus, the band that eventually morphed into, and briefly co-existed with Whitehouse, Come, were the first, almost 20 years before Earth 2 and several years before Flipper (RIP) to harness the power of an awesomely slowed down riff. Go ask the arch revisionist himself, Mr S. O'Malley, why the Teeth Of Lions Rule The Divine album is called Rampton...