Mindbreaker

It's a beautiful day today, I should be out in the sun, I love this weather. But I'm not. I'm sitting here with tears streaming down my face because I am so fucking angry right now. Sick of being taken for granted. Sick of being shoved to one side, sick of so many "friendships" being all one-way traffic, sick of being thought of as unreliable and rude.
I suffer from Social Phobia, and that makes forming friendships, let alone any deeper kind of relationship extremely hard. In my case it seems to have driven an awful lot of people I thought were friends away. Right now it feels like I can count my friends on my fingers, and still have a few fingers left. If I didn't come to yr party, or to yr gig, or to where you were dj'ing it's not because I'm being rude, it's not because I'm flaky, it's probably because i've rolled into a ball, in floods of tears, desperately wanting to go out, to see people, and finding the whole idea so frightening that it makes me physically sick. Even when I do get out of the house it means two or three hours of shaking and sweating, trying not to let my brain run wild. So many people who I've been there for in the past aren't here for me at the moment. I've lost count of the number of phone calls I've made to people which have started something like this; "Alright xxxxxxxxxxxxx".."Alright L, I haven't heard from you for ages". Now when I hear that, the first thing which goes through my mind is 'No, that would be because you don't give enough of a toss to pick up a phone and call me". It may not sound that bad to you, but in my position, when sometimes even picking up the phone is hard, it's fucking painful. When you think I'm being rude or stand-offish, I don't mean to be, I'm confused, I don't know what to say. There's a line in the song "Mindbreaker" by The Litter which contains the words "all my friends terrify me", and sometimes it feels like that. And one last thing, don't say you need to get out and try to meet people or some such shit like that. The next person who says that to me is going to get a smack. What in the name of fuck do you think I would love to do more than anything else in this world, have been trying do for the last six years? I'm trying to get through this and I could do with some help and some support, not some cunt stating the fucking obvious.