Looking For The Hammer

The sun's out, there are too many people around and I haven't slept properly in three weeks. In a couple of hours I have to actually leave the house to go and play some music. First though, like almost every other time I want/need to leave the house, I have a little demolition work to be done, a wall you can't see that needs to be knocked down, or at least have a nice teak door with a wrought iron knocker put in it. There's a window in that wall, and everytime I look through it I get confused. When I go out, it's worse. I feel like the wall and the window has wrapped itself round me like a bubble, leaving me watching the world as I move through it, still at one remove from everything and everyone else. I'm looking for a hammer to smash it into tiny fucking pieces so I can touch the world again, actually feel a connection. I'm on my own eveywhere I go, no matter how many people I'm with.
Yet when I'm playing that all drops away. I'm free. I know what I want to say, I know how to say it. Fuck, I actually feel happy in those moments, involved and engaged with other people, able to share and explore with them. There's no need to put on a mask, to try to force myself to interact. In those moments I'm the person I really am, inside the bubble, not the scared, confused and lonely person that the world at large sees.
If music can put a hole through the glass that I can reach through, then there must be a way to break it once and for all. Like I say, I'm just looking for the hammer.