Two Thousand And F(uck Off)ive Or, The Year I Rejoined The Human Race

In many ways I'd dearly love to consign a large proportion of 2005 to the dustbin. If it was wine I was talking about you'd have flogged it to a vinegar company, not what you'd describe as a classic vintage, to put it mildly.

The first seven or eight months were among the worst in my life, lost, detatched, isolated in my own fucked-up head, I went through life on autopilot, only really feeling alive in the company of a few people, or when making music. It was fucking horrible, and there's a few people I'll never be able to thank enough, because if it weren't for their friendship, love and support I don't think I'd be typing this right now.

Even if I had the power to erase 2005 though, I wouldn't, couldn't do it. Around about August/September when I hit my lowest trough, something had to crack. I thought it would be me, and it was, though not in remotely the way I expected. Instead of going into total meltdown, as I would have a few years ago, some part of my brain just seemed to go; "Fuck This. No Fucking More, I Can't Live Like This", and since then things have been getting better.

How, or why this happened I don't know and don't want to know, because monumentally self-defeating self-analysis is one of my worst habits, but fortunately one I've managed to kick now, all I know is, after that time of the year, the confusion started to lessen and life started to make sense in a way it hadn't for quite some time.

If you'd have told me at any point in the first half of '05 that the prospect of talking to someone I didn't know would no longer fill me with dread, that I'd actually be able to relate to people again I'd have laughed in yr face. If you'd have told me that I'd actually meet someone, I'd have said y're fucking crazier than I am. But both those things happened, much to my astonishment. The fact that we broke up a little while ago and I didn't plunge straight back down into the pit is a good thing too, not that I'm not gutted about it, but I didn't react in the wildly disproportionate manner I would've done in the past. Plus she kicks arse and I'd hate to lose her as a friend, which would definitely have happened if it had been the me of a year ago.

Last year life had me by the throat. This year I'm going to throttle the bastard for all it's worth.