Five Reasons Why Bal-Sagoth Made Me Laugh So Hard I Actually Puked (Eldritch Vomitoria Upon The Descent Into The Dread Caverns Of X'Lithdrii'chm)

1. The vocalist, Lord Byron is actually sponsored by a company called Battle Orders Ltd to ponce about in their armour and wave their swords around onstage. Like that's going to make sales go through the roof. The average Bal-Sagoth fan generally isn't allowed to use a knife and fork without expert supervision, let alone a 5ft claymore.

2. One of their songs is called 'The Dark Liege Of Chaos Is Unleashed At The Ensorcelled Shrine Of A`zura Kai (The Splendour Of A Thousand Swords Gleaming Beneath The Blazon Of The Hyperborean Empire Part II)'. This comes from the disappointingly titled 'Battle Magic' LP and is the second chapter of a song from their previous opus 'Starfire Burning Upon the Ice-Veiled Throne of Ultima Thule'.

3. They really sound like Jeff Wayne's War Of The Worlds gone black metal. Pompous doesn't even begin to describe the impossibly shit quasi-orchestral wank of the keyboards, let alone the astonishingly dense muti-character spoken word (with black metal interludes) parts telling of battles against The Great Old Ones, the rediscovering of ancient books of power and magic and all the cthonic shit one could wish for. Lyrics like this:

"(The Sorcerer) By Klatrymadon and Zuranthus! They come! They come, wielding The Circlet Of Night! The dire warning issued to me as I stood before Vygothia's Master Wizard has been proved no idle boast! The Citadel's spells of containment breached...the Black Crown is upon us!

(The Emperor Koord) It is as I have forseen! Be Spry, my sorcerous lackey... join the Iron Phalanx in entertaining these latecomers while I prepare a reception worthy of their audacity"

Acres and acres of it. Six fucking albums, (or Hexology, as BS prefer) of this shit.

4. The lyrics are just the start. When you open the cd booklet, it's full of maps of Earth's mythological past, runic alphabets and the songs are expanded into amazingly badly written short stories. Sorry, myth-cycles. It's like Magma for virgins.

5. Go to their website and look at the picture gallery and scroll down all the way until you find the picture of them all dressed as Darth Maul. With light sabres. And scary poses.